Sunday worship service this morning seemed just something out of the ordinary. We sung some songs, familiar individuals expressed their testimonies, preachings preached, and prayers prayed. There wasn't totally anything that moved me aside from the fact that I, too, was excited about the suprise for Liberty.

The preachings, which were actually not preachings at all but studies, Bible study, on the first service was from Hebrews. The second Bible preaching was the continuation study of the Book of Acts. We compared verses to verses, opened the Bible from here to there, and, after a moment, there was the invitation - invitation for people to pray on the altar, to pray for themselves or for those unsaved friends and loved ones or for those feeling down and depressed.

This wasn't the first time that it happened, but there it was again. I felt this tiny urging somewhere within me, pushing me forward to kneel on the altar. I have always been hesitant on moving forward for the fear of being the only teenager doing it. My hesitancy always end up on me not being able to come forward at all.

I don't know. But this time, it was sort of different. I felt that little push on my legs. Pushing and pushing me forward. I saw my mom came up front and a couple or more men moved forward. I knew I have my own purpose of going down on my knees, which is quite out of the topic preached. However, this time, I felt it was time. Time to put aside my hidden pride, even if only temporarily, and kneel, pray, cry....

As soon as my knees landed the surface, I knew I had to give in. The burden within my heart, things I kept unknown to everyone I know, begun to come out in the form of tears. I couldn't help it! Those tears actually fell down, unbidden, on my cheeks as I knelt down there in front of the people I knew so well. I cried saying, Lord, you know my heart. And you certainly know what's keeping me down this lately. You know so well that I have hidden this hatred, envy, strong anger in my heart in the span of almost like 5 years now. You know I still couldn't accept what had happened in the past, 5 to 6 years now. Help me now, O Lord, that I may be able to get rid of this load in my soul and just be a good testimony to my fellow Christians. Help me Lord....!

Yes, what had happened in the past (do I need to say it all over again?) the church-movings, friends separating, people infuriating, even though I've heard it thousands of times, I still couldn't accept that those things happened. I still couldn't accept the reality of having to loose my childhood friends from a thing we didn't have anything to do with. I couldn't accept it....

So I just knelt there, crying, not actually praying for some fallen brethren but praying for myself. However, after I cried half of the tears out, the heavy feeling is still there. Even I as I type this.