[Wednesday, May. 21, 2003] & [3:45 p.m.]
[Intro]

Now, I don’t want to emanate every single detail of my childhood because that would become quite tedious, especially when you don’t know me personally, so I’ll just say the main and big events that happened in my life which have caused the gradual, dramatic, emotional changes in me.

I entered Grace Learning Academy in downtown Lipa when in 1st and 2nd grade. It was the same school where Kristine Anne (K.A.)studied, but I wasn’t really aware of her existence yet. Jacqueline (J.N.)had been my classmate there in 2nd grade. Kristine Anne (K.A.), Jacqueline (J.N.) and I were still attending the same church then, as was Mark David. Even though we’ve been together since before our perceptions gave us the ability to think, I wasn’t that gratified to see them around. Something was missing. But I didn’t let that feeling bother me so much so I enjoyed myself and had fun with them. We even considered Kristine Anne our leader in our friendship circle because she was the more matured one at that time. Some years or months later, Joanne Baccay (J.B.) and her family joined our church – H.B.B.C. When the H.B.B.C. members/staffs decided to build a school using a Christian curriculum, we all attended that school, which I will call H.B.B.A. My mom was the supervisor because she was one out of two members there who were qualified to teach, so it was easy for me to go to school; I feel more comfortable when my mom is around.

The years following that had been happy ones, I think. We met Karen Barrameda, Junelle Angeles (J.A.), Kristine Tarlit (K.T.) and a lot of other kids. We did lots of activities together; we even planned all the things that we were going to do in college, building our castles in the air. I wasn’t aware of the outside world; my attention was all in the school activities and church liturgies.

Then, all of a sudden (because I didn’t pay attention to the adult talks), a sort of misunderstanding or misgiving occurred between some of the members of H.B.B.C. and the pastor. All of a sudden, I had to leave those friends I grew up with. My family was the first one to leave that church. I was such a tolerant, open-minded (even now...ha-ha) girl that I let everyone have their own way first. I easily consented to the idea to leave the church and move to another. It all happened when I was about to turn 12. As a result, we weren’t able to attend the banquet that was to be held by the H.B.B.A school months later.

My sisters and I were enrolled in a huge school that I never dreamt of attending. Besides, it is a Catholic school and we are not Catholic. My parents knew that it would be pretty hard for us to cooperate with them, since we were used to a Baptist surrounding. But that was the only school that my parents could think of that would give us a better education. It is a good school and I “would be able to meet lots of kids my age there, rather than seeing the same people everyday.” That was almost the same thing my mom told us when she was encouraging us to assent to the idea. We did, and, a little later, we soon adjusted to what seemed to us a “big surrounding.”

I was going to enter 6th grade then and, soon enough, I earned a pretty good name there. I maintained pretty high grades in everything. The kids there looked at me as if I was the most holy girl they’d ever seen. Of course, I readily noticed the big differences those other kids made compared to me. I noticed that I was the only one who looked discreet in a lot of ways. But, I don’t know why, it seemed to humiliate me a little bit. It seemed like I didn’t want to be different anymore. But, I let those feelings pass again. I began to enjoy being in my new surroundings, with my new classmates and teachers. I learned many things, too. I learned how to be independent; I learned how to study by myself without my mother’s help, although I needed her from time to time; in short, I learned how to be a teenager even though I was only 12. I also became aware of the secular world and all that is in it. I continued to study in that school –by the way, I’ll call it D.L.S.L – until I was 13, 1st year high school.

On the church side, I was enjoying the fellowship provided by my new church and by my new friends. I’ll call the church G.B.A. One by one, some of the old members of H.B.B.C. and some of those I knew already came and attended the church. I was so happy to see them again. Most of the families were the Archogs, the Aplaons, the Monteros and a bunch of other families. But from time to time, even now, the thoughts of being with my childhood friends came fleeting through my mind, which made me feel lonely and desperate, but then again, I keep waving those thoughts away from me. So I just enjoyed everything.

Bro. Carlyle, who was the missionary-pastor of the church, and his family decided to go back to America. He left everything to Pastor Delfin Flores, who was the standing assistant pastor. When the Carlyles left, everything was all right. Bro. Delfin was probably conscious of the other American family, whom the Carlyles received when the family arrived, attending G.B.A. Bro. Delphin decided to let the head of that family preach for a Sunday morning. That was Bro. Bob Patenaude. Almost everyone started taking notes, and started to realize that these teachings were what they had been looking for. So afterwards, maybe weeks later, the men, including Bro. Delfin, held a meeting asking Pastor Bob to be their mentor/teacher while the Carlyles were gone. They devoured every teaching given and almost abruptly the families in the church, mostly those who were willing to learn and listen, changed.

I hadn’t finished my 1st year of high school in DLSL when my parents decided to home school us. The sudden change was pretty jarring for me because it was already decided that we were going to finish our schooling in the school. Of course, I didn’t show my personal dispute. I didn’t like the idea of being home schooled, at least, not then, when I was beginning to fall in love with the things in the secular world. I already felt content with the new friends that I had made...

So when the Carlyles came back to the Philippines, the second conflict began. I can hardly remember how it all happened; I awoke to the fact that we were gone in that church, now. That we had formed another new church, now under Pastor Bob’s teachings...

Just imagine what a 13-year-old girl would feel like without someone her own age to talk to, to play with.... but I soon realized the value of accepting God’s will in my life.... That was when the dramatic change took place...

I’m not saying that all of the changes I have talked about have only been made through the missionary family’s strength and ability. I believe it’s the work of God.... and I thank Him for doing that...

You might have noticed that this little story of mine is generally centered in church activities and all that stuff; it has been my life now.

Edited by: Amy Miller

[About the Layout]

I am in a state of confusion.

This layout, although most of you knows where the words came from, means nothing to me. I picked it out arbitrarily from a certain design site, thinking that it suits my confused thoughts. It is a very plain thing, with only the words "i am the truth from which you run & I control you". What does it mean? Can anyone explain it to me please?

What is that truth from which I run? It seems to me that that truth is only the words written here - my true, real feelings for the things happening around me. They are bound to be spoken out and, yet, they remain hidden in this secluded little space where nobody can harm them. "& i control you"? That might mean something else to a secular mind but to me it means only one thing - God controls me. Not my emotions, not my feelings, not myself, but God - Who controls every being in this planet.

Well, that seems rational enough. That God controls me and that I am just a stupid brute running away from my own emotions.

Indeed.

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