Beneath the showering mist of gloom and depression, there are times that I find consolation with no one. Inside, I shrink to an oppressed looking thing, having a pity-party with my own self, completely forgetting about the God above who watches and cares for everyone.

In times like that, I now tend to turn my face away from the emotional struggles and pretend that I wasn't hurt, that I didn't feel lonely, that I didn't feel discourage. My emotional and spiritual situation now is far different from what it used to be when I was still locked up inside the four-cornered rooms of our house, when I was still enclosed under the sheltering folds of my parents' instructions (what I mean to say, is when I was still homeschooled...).

I found out that getting along with the people who doesn't know the Lord as their personal Saviour brings down your own spiritual walk with God. They simply satisfy your fleshly wants and desires, leaving you empty and deprived inside. Now I fully understand the significance of relying upon God on every instance of your life. Now I fully see the difference of the people who call themselves 'real Christians' to those who simply go 'happy-go-lucky' with their life.

Yet there are still times that I yield to the wants of my flesh - simply to make myself happy - although I completely know I was simply wasting my time. Why is it quite hard to follow God than to follow the steps of world?

I know I shouldn't be conformed with the world, but my old desire to be with the world sometimes brings me to my own limitations, which gives me unwanted restrictions. There are times, like now, that I let my lust overtake my good senses and before I know it, I've done something utterly disappointing.

Pondering closely to what I have recently done with my life, I realized that almost all of my time now has been squandered by my own carelessness. That half of my attention now has been focused on another person other than God. I feel guiltly realizing that I have been putting away God in my heart when He is still faithfully, unceasingly watching me, guiding me, protecting me.

But I guess that's life. Sometimes, you have to fail first before you realize that you've done something wrong.

Anyway, enough for that..

You might think I've done something stupid like, being raped or getting pregnant, but it wasn't that at all. I was simply meditating about the stuffs God showed me earlier.

And...that was it...

Well, we don't have classes tomorrow so I finally found the time to update this thing. After all, we've just finished midterm exams, so why not take the chance?

Anywayz, if you all want me to know more about my present college life (including love-life...hehehehe...:>), I guess I would have to do it next time. Because right now, I'm tired making up this whole design, and besides, it's 12:00 in the midnight again.

That means I have to turn this computer off and go off to my own stinking bed....

Hmmmm...well...zzzz...